Have you finally orgasmed yet?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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