Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
