Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
