yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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