how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
