He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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