My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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