ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
