Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
