Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
