God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
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You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
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Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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