Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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