the condom got lost in my hair
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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