What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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