youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
