my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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