This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
