Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
