Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
