I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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