sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize