You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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