Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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