i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Randomize
