the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
