so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
