I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
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...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
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I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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