What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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