I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Randomize
