U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
