why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
