I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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