i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Alive.
So much puke
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Sorry about my life...
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
