Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
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you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
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the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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