Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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