Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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