If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
