you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
