Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
