you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Randomize
