I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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