Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
