Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize