What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
