How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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