Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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