We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Randomize
