After last night, I could never be a politician.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
