we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
