There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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