Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
