My friends, they love my intelligence
im about as happy as oj after his trial
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
