right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
