No awkward lesbian experiences without me
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I deserve this hangover.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
