What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
