sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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